I would like to build on the theme of my last blog (so if you haven't read it, do so now-I'll wait...) about the little things in life and the impact they can have.
I went to work today as I have every Friday for months now. Friday's I work at the plant, whereas the rest of the week I am in an off-site office. I'm driving in today on warm and rainy morning. I get off on the exit near my work and a very normal scene awaits me. I sit at the traffic light (it's always red) glance over at the homeless man holding his sign, his eyes never landing on anyone. The thoughts start going through my mind. Why don't I do something? I have no cash, but I have a lot of change. Would he care? Does he want money? Is he an alcoholic? Mentally unstable? A war veteran? Maybe he's faking it and this is what he does "for a living"? I've got my lunch, maybe I should give him something to eat?
The light turns green and I go on. I think about him for the rest of the morning, trying to rationalize my decision to do nothing. The thoughts fade away as the day wears on. Things continue on as normal the rest of the afternoon. The time comes to leave and I pull away. I pass the spot where he usually sits. It's now empty. My mind starts again. Where did he go? Does he have another "spot"? Did he get into his hidden car and drive to his nice house to clean up? Is he under a bridge somewhere? In a church or shelter somewhere? Did he get arrested? Is he in the hospital?
Again the light turns green, I turn the radio up and head home. The thoughts of work leave me and I start to relax. My mind turns to other things. And so it goes every Friday.
Today was quite normal, going through the same round of thoughts as I passed by the man on my way into work. All morning the thoughts remained. I couldn't shake it. Was it the sight of him standing there in the drizzle? Why couldn't I get it out of my head? Why did I want to? Is that the right way to be? What kind of a person am I?
Lunch time comes around and I am still thinking about the man. I have other things going on, as well. Besides work I am fixated on a thread from another forum I am on. I am angry at the original poster of the thread. She seems such a horrible person who looks down upon anyone not as successful as her. She defends and rationalizes her positions, never taking the time to step back and see herself as others see her. She just digs in further and deeper, fully entrenched in her position, never giving an inch. Am I so different? Haven't I just spent the morning rationalizing my own decisions which, from the outside, now appear so cold and heartless?
My thoughts turn to another person, from my previous post, and how much my gesture had meant to her. I grabbed my lunch and keys and left the office. I got in my car, drove to a parking lot near the homeless man, took my lunch and an umbrella and walked over to the man. I introduced myself and he gave me his name. I asked if he would like an umbrella. He smiled and exclaimed "Sure!" I gave him the umbrella and handed him my lunch, a cold piece of pizza and two apples. I asked if he would need anything else for the approaching winter. "A coat", he replied rather quietly, seemingly shocked at the question. I told him I would see what I could do and I would be back next Friday. I told him it was good to meet him and he thanked me repeatedly. His gratitude was real. I patted him on the shoulder, turned and walked back to my car.
I don't know what he did after that. Maybe he sold the umbrella for a few bucks and got alcohol. Maybe he went found a dry spot to eat. Maybe he gave half of the food to another person in need. The only thing I know is that had I done nothing, the outcome wouldn't have been the same.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Small gestures, big impacts
Many times I am moved in a very negative direction by small actions. Think Congressmen calling the president a liar during a speech, or seeing a hateful, pro-Republican extremists bumper sticker on 9/11. This happens all too frequently throughout my day as I am seemingly surrounded by the thoughtless masses. It only adds to my feelings of cynicism and hopelessness about the direction of this country. Yesterday was different, though. Something I think is rather extraordinary happened and I feel compelled to share. Sometimes you never know the impact your gestures have on others. I was lucky enough to find out.
A few of you (OK, maybe one) know about Yahoo!Answers. It's a site I have been a part of for a couple of years. In many ways it's a lot like any other forum. People choose their names, avatars, and create profiles, sharing as much or as little information about themselves as they want. There are all types of people there. Some go for entertainment, friendship, to agitate and incite, get real information, give information, and so on. I do a little bit of everything. A few people there I have come to know quite well outside the forum (though still not face-to-face). I have connected with a few on Facebook and other forums. I have communicated with a few just by a random email here and there. Some I only know from their Q&As on the forum and keep as contacts that way, so as to be updated when they make a post.
The latter is a relationship I have had with a woman I will call "Susan". I did not actually learn her name until several days ago, only knowing her before as her Avatar's name. She and I had talked on the forum a few times, but mainly we just saw each others Q&As, always kind of keeping updating that way. I added her as a contact quite a long time ago because she always gave very thoughtful, intelligent, and heartfelt responses to people really seeking help and guidance. Over the past couple of months I had seen some of her questions relating to her own mental illnesses/stress she was struggling with, along with other hardships at home. I was not involved and did not interject myself, only keeping updated through her words on other questions and answers.
One day I saw a question asking people what the nicest thing anybody has ever done for them. Susan answered by giving a rather extensive list of small gestures people had done for her. None of them were particularly striking for their size and generosity. What did hit me, though, was her ability to appreciate the little things people do and the willingness of others to do those things for her. I felt compelled to send her an email to share my thoughts. I wanted to let her know what a great thing it is that she appreciates those small acts of kindness, that the reason people are inclined to do those things is because they know what a good person she is and that she would/does do the same for others, and also to let her know that I can empathize with her struggles and give her a few words of encouragement. I really thought it was literally the least I could do.
Looking at her profile, though, I noticed her email was set to private, even for her contacts. I thought this was odd. Many people leave their Answers email (it's different than their regular email) open, especially for their contacts. In fact, she may be the only contact I have with a private email. I decided to try and reach her another way by posting a question about the ways you can contact someone who keeps all their info private. I posted the question in a section she frequents. After about a day I received an email from her. She had seen the question and knew it was meant for her (I also put out some well placed hints). She gave me her email address and told me to feel free to use it. I sent her an email as described above. She emailed me back thanking me graciously for the kind words. We went back and forth with the emails a couple of times. In one of the last emails I sent her (which is reposted below), I gave her my personal email address and did not hear from her for a few days.
Yesterday I received an email from her. I will repost some things from the email. It's a lot of very private information, but I feel it is important to share.
"Good morning, Nick. I've been pondering what you wrote for the past few days, trying to think of how to reply. "Thank you" seems so inadequate, as you'll learn why.
I don't see myself as others do -- I'm excessively critical of everything I do or say. It's a byproduct of the life I've known, and being mentally ill. Bipolar disorder, avoidant personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depression ... I've got it all. It was easy to keep these things (thoughts) at bay when the kids were little and I had something to focus on, but the last few months (actually, it's been about 2 years) have just been really difficult. Among other things, the boys are nearly grown, I'm unable to work, and that leaves too much time to think. The thoughts have been dark, and I have sought counseling.
My counselor is trained to say positive things and to point out my good qualities, so it's all too easy to dismiss what she says as "doing her job." Oh, don't get me wrong -- I like (my counselor), and we are making progress ... It's just, when she says these things, I doubt her sincerity. I cannot, however, doubt that what you spoke comes from the heart. (I've included your last mail at the end of this message, in the event you've forgotten what was written.)
Honestly, Nick, sometimes I really do believe there's someone watching over us. A few weeks ago, when things were as bad as they were ever going to be, and homelessness seemed inevitable -- I set my affairs in order because the insurance money would provide a roof for my family. I then stopped by Y!A to resolve questions before moving along with things..."
Some very sensitive information is given next which I cannot repost. What happened, though, was that upon coming on to tie up loose ends before "setting (her) affairs in order", she received a couple of notes. One was from a friend who made the simple comment that her children were "lucky to have" her. Another was my email. She says the timing was impeccable. She viewed her illnesses as nothing but a burden, financially and otherwise, on her almost grown children. It hadn't occurred to her that there was more; that her passing would cause unbelievable grief for her kids. She says her life was saved that day by a few well placed and timely words. Her email continues:
"You wrote that you have no doubt that there are many people in my life with whom I can speak ... That's not entirely accurate. For some reason (probably the avoidant personality) I have isolated myself from the world. I feel as if I don't really fit, as if I am on the outside looking in. It's incredibly difficult for me to be around others, and even sending out the occasional e-mail can be quite distressing. For some reason, I do OK on Yahoo! -- it's a form of therapy.
Please don't take offense if it's a rare day that you hear from me. I assure you, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my own feelings of inadequacy. And that is why --upon receiving something such as the kind words you wrote-- I am usually taken aback and left speechless. I don't normally read or hear such things ... I have no doubt you understand what I'm trying to say. Thank you again for such kind, encouraging words. It means the world to me. Please take care."
Included at the bottom was my email, which I will post as well:
"I am sorry to hear things have been very tough recently. I have been paying a little bit of attention, so I was aware of some problems. My goal was to make you aware that, even when you don't know it, there are people who care and want you to feel happiness like the way you do for them. Your kind words are very meaningful to me. While much of my time is spent on Yahoo being sarcastic and towing the line between funny and disrespectful, I do see your responses and am simultaneously inspired and uplifted by your constant wise, thoughtful, intelligent and heartfelt responses. You are a genuinely good person. I'm so happy I was able to reach you and get that message across. If you ever need to talk about anything at all, or simply need someone to vent to, I have no doubt you have many people in your life for such things, but please know that I am always here. My email is dearthnick2@yahoo.com. Please use it as often as you wish."
You really never know what impact your words will have on others, or what staying quiet will do when you feel compelled to speak up.
A few of you (OK, maybe one) know about Yahoo!Answers. It's a site I have been a part of for a couple of years. In many ways it's a lot like any other forum. People choose their names, avatars, and create profiles, sharing as much or as little information about themselves as they want. There are all types of people there. Some go for entertainment, friendship, to agitate and incite, get real information, give information, and so on. I do a little bit of everything. A few people there I have come to know quite well outside the forum (though still not face-to-face). I have connected with a few on Facebook and other forums. I have communicated with a few just by a random email here and there. Some I only know from their Q&As on the forum and keep as contacts that way, so as to be updated when they make a post.
The latter is a relationship I have had with a woman I will call "Susan". I did not actually learn her name until several days ago, only knowing her before as her Avatar's name. She and I had talked on the forum a few times, but mainly we just saw each others Q&As, always kind of keeping updating that way. I added her as a contact quite a long time ago because she always gave very thoughtful, intelligent, and heartfelt responses to people really seeking help and guidance. Over the past couple of months I had seen some of her questions relating to her own mental illnesses/stress she was struggling with, along with other hardships at home. I was not involved and did not interject myself, only keeping updated through her words on other questions and answers.
One day I saw a question asking people what the nicest thing anybody has ever done for them. Susan answered by giving a rather extensive list of small gestures people had done for her. None of them were particularly striking for their size and generosity. What did hit me, though, was her ability to appreciate the little things people do and the willingness of others to do those things for her. I felt compelled to send her an email to share my thoughts. I wanted to let her know what a great thing it is that she appreciates those small acts of kindness, that the reason people are inclined to do those things is because they know what a good person she is and that she would/does do the same for others, and also to let her know that I can empathize with her struggles and give her a few words of encouragement. I really thought it was literally the least I could do.
Looking at her profile, though, I noticed her email was set to private, even for her contacts. I thought this was odd. Many people leave their Answers email (it's different than their regular email) open, especially for their contacts. In fact, she may be the only contact I have with a private email. I decided to try and reach her another way by posting a question about the ways you can contact someone who keeps all their info private. I posted the question in a section she frequents. After about a day I received an email from her. She had seen the question and knew it was meant for her (I also put out some well placed hints). She gave me her email address and told me to feel free to use it. I sent her an email as described above. She emailed me back thanking me graciously for the kind words. We went back and forth with the emails a couple of times. In one of the last emails I sent her (which is reposted below), I gave her my personal email address and did not hear from her for a few days.
Yesterday I received an email from her. I will repost some things from the email. It's a lot of very private information, but I feel it is important to share.
"Good morning, Nick. I've been pondering what you wrote for the past few days, trying to think of how to reply. "Thank you" seems so inadequate, as you'll learn why.
I don't see myself as others do -- I'm excessively critical of everything I do or say. It's a byproduct of the life I've known, and being mentally ill. Bipolar disorder, avoidant personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depression ... I've got it all. It was easy to keep these things (thoughts) at bay when the kids were little and I had something to focus on, but the last few months (actually, it's been about 2 years) have just been really difficult. Among other things, the boys are nearly grown, I'm unable to work, and that leaves too much time to think. The thoughts have been dark, and I have sought counseling.
My counselor is trained to say positive things and to point out my good qualities, so it's all too easy to dismiss what she says as "doing her job." Oh, don't get me wrong -- I like (my counselor), and we are making progress ... It's just, when she says these things, I doubt her sincerity. I cannot, however, doubt that what you spoke comes from the heart. (I've included your last mail at the end of this message, in the event you've forgotten what was written.)
Honestly, Nick, sometimes I really do believe there's someone watching over us. A few weeks ago, when things were as bad as they were ever going to be, and homelessness seemed inevitable -- I set my affairs in order because the insurance money would provide a roof for my family. I then stopped by Y!A to resolve questions before moving along with things..."
Some very sensitive information is given next which I cannot repost. What happened, though, was that upon coming on to tie up loose ends before "setting (her) affairs in order", she received a couple of notes. One was from a friend who made the simple comment that her children were "lucky to have" her. Another was my email. She says the timing was impeccable. She viewed her illnesses as nothing but a burden, financially and otherwise, on her almost grown children. It hadn't occurred to her that there was more; that her passing would cause unbelievable grief for her kids. She says her life was saved that day by a few well placed and timely words. Her email continues:
"You wrote that you have no doubt that there are many people in my life with whom I can speak ... That's not entirely accurate. For some reason (probably the avoidant personality) I have isolated myself from the world. I feel as if I don't really fit, as if I am on the outside looking in. It's incredibly difficult for me to be around others, and even sending out the occasional e-mail can be quite distressing. For some reason, I do OK on Yahoo! -- it's a form of therapy.
Please don't take offense if it's a rare day that you hear from me. I assure you, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my own feelings of inadequacy. And that is why --upon receiving something such as the kind words you wrote-- I am usually taken aback and left speechless. I don't normally read or hear such things ... I have no doubt you understand what I'm trying to say. Thank you again for such kind, encouraging words. It means the world to me. Please take care."
Included at the bottom was my email, which I will post as well:
"I am sorry to hear things have been very tough recently. I have been paying a little bit of attention, so I was aware of some problems. My goal was to make you aware that, even when you don't know it, there are people who care and want you to feel happiness like the way you do for them. Your kind words are very meaningful to me. While much of my time is spent on Yahoo being sarcastic and towing the line between funny and disrespectful, I do see your responses and am simultaneously inspired and uplifted by your constant wise, thoughtful, intelligent and heartfelt responses. You are a genuinely good person. I'm so happy I was able to reach you and get that message across. If you ever need to talk about anything at all, or simply need someone to vent to, I have no doubt you have many people in your life for such things, but please know that I am always here. My email is dearthnick2@yahoo.com. Please use it as often as you wish."
You really never know what impact your words will have on others, or what staying quiet will do when you feel compelled to speak up.
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